I skipped work to stalk him.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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