I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
