Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
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