that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
