my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
