He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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