I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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