Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Duck Duck Cougar?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
