i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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