I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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