dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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