so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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