he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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