I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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