I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
