Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
