I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
