yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
