Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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