Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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