Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type