dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
