halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Im part way to drunk.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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