Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
