Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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