i jhust puked up my retainher.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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