he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
