FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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