Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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