We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
