how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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