I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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