if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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