i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
