I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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