Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
