I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
