I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I am one with the molecules
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
