I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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