Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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