somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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