I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
