I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
