Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
