If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
