Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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