tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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