you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine