This is not my ceiling
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...