i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.