I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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