I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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