"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
