Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
