Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
