I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize