My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
