I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
